Thursday, April 4, 2013

Big Mac's Are Out to Get You OR Welcome Back Doctor!

Editor's Note: Prior to the reception of this column, Dr. Salisbury has been out of contact for many weeks. According to a brief note accompanying this diatribe, Doc has been on a journey through South America checking up on some property he owns there. It should be noted that any and all medical advice administered in this space be taken with a grain of salt as during the time I've known him, he has yet to produce a proper confirmation of his credentials. Per his request, his byline will now have his letters following his name. 

By W.T. Salisbury, M.D.

Hello friends! Jim Nantz be damned that's a wonderful greeting. I come to you fully rejuvenated following an extensive retreat  in the southern America.

While I was fighting my way through customs and stewing in various airports during extensive layovers, I was confronted with a disturbing series of advertisements.

Right. Most advertisements are rotten to the core and feature little to no truth. We all know this in our hearts, however, there are some ads that rise above the scum in an unnatural way to set themselves apart with their horrifying suppositions.

In this instance, the culprit is McDonald's.

We all know the food factory to be one of the world leader's in hamburger sales and obesity induction.

Usually, they hide behind the number of total sales made and the strange products exclusive to their en-arched monopoly such as "ribs" made from leftover meat shavings, golden french fries and milkshakes that inexplicably stay frozen in a sweltering car through the duration of a summer's day.

Recently, they've done away with the charade and cut right to the core of their message.

To Hell with your brain, this shit tastes GREAT!

They aren't wrong. 

If you can somehow shut your mind out of the decision and focus on the disturbingly delicious dish placed in front of your food hole, it is in fact a tasty treat. 

The actual fact that it's murdering you not withstanding, the flavor (i.e. FAT) simply melts in your mouth like a rare French delicacy. 

Those aforementioned golden fries—perhaps emblematic of the arches—disappear down your gullet like the lifeblood of civilization. 

The monstrous soda you receive with your "medium" combo washes away any misgivings you might have. The nectar of the GODS! It's a wonderful salve for your aching wretch of a body and any and all side-effects are an afterthought. 

Of course, we all know by now the horrifying consequences of voluntarily ingesting poison into our delicate systems. 

No, I have no problem with that. I've done it and I'll do it again. 

The trouble is with the insidious advertising aimed at the lowest common denominator of humanity. It's designed to make Joe six-pack shut down what little brain activity he has working in his favor so that he mindlessly shovels garbage into his beer-encrusted, cigarette-seeking mouth. 

Literally, this campaign commands you to ignore the one part of your body capable of making rational decisions and instead follow the sage advice of your stupid tongue that would gladly lick the underside of a tow-hitch if it enjoyed the post-winter salt content. 

McDonald's is attempting to murder you with slick advertising. You shouldn't be happy about that.

Sure, you might enjoy a disgusting hamburger slathered in pickly/mayonaise sauce on occasion but that doesn't mean it's a good idea.

Just realize that with this idiotic ad campaign the burger giant is quite literally admitting before our eyes that this product is a bad idea, but it tastes so gooooooooood.

Keep that in mind the next time you're hungry and too lazy or incapable to cook something that isn't actively trying to kill you.

The golden arches are keenly aware.

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