How ESPN Killed Tim Tebow's Career

By W.T. Salisbury M.D.

Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow is currently in the process of washing out of the NFL, and if you're one of those people who can't stand him, you have ESPN to thank.

The mothership went out of it's way to push the "Tebow angle" because they thrive on beating a dead horse, reviving it, and beating it again.

It's no secret that personalities were instructed to mention Tebow as often as possible. Former ESPN college basketball analyst and current CBS punching bag Doug Gottlieb mentioned this fact a while back on The Dan Patrick Show.

I was told specifically, 'You can't talk enough Tebow.' I would jokingly throw it into a segment. 'I gotta find 15 seconds here to talk about Tebow, all right let's move on and talk about Major League Baseball.'

And this is what ESPN does now. Rather than report the news they attempt to create it in the most haphazard of manners.

What the actual story consists of is inconsequential. Whether it's Brett Favre coming out of retirement, anything someone like Tebow or LeBron James says, or a big upcoming event they're broadcasting, ESPN loves to jam it down our throats until we finally say, "Man, this must be a big deal".

Tebow in particular has been the goose that lays the golden egg. The trouble is, rather than let the eggs come when they're ready ESPN decided to scream in the goose's ear to goad it along.

"I want to control the news cycle NOW!"

Eventually, the poor beast became so stressed out by these fools that it couldn't lay any eggs at all.

Having no alternatives, they killed, cooked and carved the bird devouring it whole only to move on to the next unlucky fowl.

If it wasn't clear, Tim Tebow is the goose in this scenario.

Certainly, the fact that Tim Tebow isn't a very good quarterback is also a factor in his being blackballed. But he's at least as capable as a host of second and third string backups throughout the NFL.

Most young guys with raw talent and a flawed throwing motion would get a chance to naturally develop behind a more polished veteran. For example, Philip Rivers throws a football like I discard an empty beer can but he's now a veteran Pro Bowler.

Sometimes patience pays off, sometimes it doesn't. Backups wash out all the time—even former first round draft picks—but rarely do they receive attention like this.

ESPN went out of their way to constantly bombard us with Tebow coverage, even injecting him into unrelated stories. They oversaturated the market with Tebow nonsense to such an extent that he became a "circus" and too big of a "risk" for teams to consider bringing him on board.

Now, ESPN has the gall to report on how he can't find a job as a free agent because of this "circus" that their very network had a significant role in creating.

Tim Tebow minding his own business. HOW DARE HE?!

It's the worst kind of non-journalism. ESPN doesn't report the news, they make it. It's manufactured in a gleaming, high-definition studio trimmed with neon backlights and greed all quaintly nestled in rural Connecticut.  

Nothing Tebow does on his own really stirs up controversy that isn't created by the media.

Does he talk about his religion? Yeah, but only when he's asked about it. He doesn't go out of his way to mention it when being asked football questions.

Even if he does bring it up, it's to thank his Lord and savior for his blessings which seemingly every marginal athlete does when interviewed postgame.

Again, he is flawed as a player even though he has the intangibles of "heart"and "toughness" which every hack of a general manager and hard-nosed coach claims to want in a player.

Truth is, they don't know what they want. You hear people whispering with increasing volume that Tebow will have to change positions to stay in the league.

Right. That makes sense.

Because I'm sure a former quarterback drafted in the first round will draw far less attention as a back-up tight end. No way SportsCenter would play that story on loop 24/7.

These people are incompetent boobs of the first order.

The NFL won't make a move because of the feared media distraction and ESPN won't shut up about the media distraction even though THEY ARE THE DISTRACTION.

Coming up on SportsCenter, can Ouroboros perform in the clutch? Stephen A. Smith will scream at you about it...

ESPN has become Ouroboros, the mythical serpent that eats its own tail. It is a neverending cycle of fake arguments and hot air that tries in vain to re-create itself but succeeds only in driving the wedge further between viewers and their programming.

One can only hope the monster finally does devour itself, if not for Tim Tebow's sake, than for the sanity of all.

Arizona, Guns and Money

By W.T. Salisbury, M.D.

Arizona is a very strange place. In many ways it hasn't changed much from the old west, except there are far more golf courses now.

Oh yes these people love their golf and their dry heat, but most of all they love their guns.

Naturally, to protect those guns their state government passed two bills last week to make sure no one messes with them.

One of the bills bans Arizona police departments from destroying guns in their possession. It instead requires—in most cases—law enforcement to sell those weapons.

People in favor of the legislation have pointed out that destroying those weapons won't prevent crimes. That's true of course.

"It's not appropriate to tell taxpayers that they must subsidize, with their dollars, the destruction of useful property for no good reason, to accomplish nothing, other than make people feel good," Peoria Republican Rick Murphy said.

Fair enough sir. And it is with that reasoning that I propose that we make it illegal to destroy confiscated drugs once they're in police possession. 

There's no sense in destroying perfectly useful property just to make people feel better right? People will still be buying it out on the streets anyway, might as well make a little money for the state.

But drugs aren't legal you say. True, but the end of prohibition is nigh if we're trying to make money, "rules" be damned. Besides, if the justification of this law is that it's silly to destroy useful property then it's clear those in charge don't understand the value of drugs—outside of alcohol of course.

There's a mountain of statistical evidence that supports the reform of drug laws, but that's not what this particular column is aimed at discussing. We can tackle that some other time while I'm in the midst of a legally induced drunken stupor. 

No, today we're trying to make cash via the flimsy premise of "usefulness". 

Money is all we can talk about these days. Cut this, cut that, reduce spending but increase revenue! This idea of legal one-stop-shops for guns and drugs could rake in the cash and mitigate much of Arizona's $50 billion debt.

They could really help their economy here. Who wouldn't want to go to a police station to pick up a handgun—slightly used—and a bag of weed?

Tourists would flock from all over the country to Flagstaff, Tucson...Hell even Phoenix to hit up these fledgling one-stop-shops. Support small business!

I can see a burgeoning cottage industry here. 

"Get a gun! Get some drugs and see the Grand Canyon all in an afternoon!"

I'd even be willing to wager you'd see a sharp spike in attendance at Suns games and that's almost impossible. 

An Arizona bargain bin. 

The second measure passed prevents governments from creating a registry of gun owners and gun transactions involving federally licensed dealers. That is actually a perfectly reasonable idea and it's worth noting that it was something that was included in the legislation that failed to pass the senate at the congressional level in Washington on the same day.


That doesn't make it a a bad idea to pass similar legislation at the state level—especially given the incompetence of the senate—but people do like to complain an awful lot about redundancy in government...most of the time. 

Back to my initial point, if we're going to sell confiscated guns, the drugs should be treated the same. While you're there snag a cheap car or some of the other stolen property collecting dust in the evidence room. It's like Wal-Mart but more exciting.

I've got plenty of other ideas for the Arizona tourism board they may want to take under advisement in conjunction with these new laws. 

Apart from the canyon, there isn't a great reason to head to that state. It's mostly desert interspersed with strip malls and the elderly. 

There are also coyotes—of the mediocre hockey variety as well as the animal.  

These are dangerous creatures and if you live there they will end up in your backyard mauling the family pet. Visitors are not immune to this trouble.

Arizonans are big fans of fences, particularly if they signify some kind of border. Therefore, I would propose a series of protected fenced off parks for children and dogs to roam about in peace. It would also allow visitors a safe-haven where they could relax and soak up some of that famous "dry-heat".

But there are also terrifying and deadly snakes that slither about in packs with the hopes of murdering you once you're asleep. To combat this, all tourists should be given snake bashing sticks as soon as they get off the plane. 

It'll be just like receiving a lei upon arrival in Hawaii, but infinitely more practical. 

Oh I could go on and on, but I refuse to give out any more free tips to Arizona. I can of course consult with your government and tourist board as you see fit, however I will be charging four times my normal fee plus expenses. 

I have strong references from the Columbian and Cuban tourist  boards which you may find useful in justifying this arrangement. I assure you, my fees are more than worth it.   

Trust me, I'm a doctor.

Big Mac's Are Out to Get You OR Welcome Back Doctor!

Editor's Note: Prior to the reception of this column, Dr. Salisbury has been out of contact for many weeks. According to a brief note accompanying this diatribe, Doc has been on a journey through South America checking up on some property he owns there. It should be noted that any and all medical advice administered in this space be taken with a grain of salt as during the time I've known him, he has yet to produce a proper confirmation of his credentials. Per his request, his byline will now have his letters following his name. 

By W.T. Salisbury, M.D.

Hello friends! Jim Nantz be damned that's a wonderful greeting. I come to you fully rejuvenated following an extensive retreat  in the southern America.

While I was fighting my way through customs and stewing in various airports during extensive layovers, I was confronted with a disturbing series of advertisements.

Right. Most advertisements are rotten to the core and feature little to no truth. We all know this in our hearts, however, there are some ads that rise above the scum in an unnatural way to set themselves apart with their horrifying suppositions.

In this instance, the culprit is McDonald's.

We all know the food factory to be one of the world leader's in hamburger sales and obesity induction.

Usually, they hide behind the number of total sales made and the strange products exclusive to their en-arched monopoly such as "ribs" made from leftover meat shavings, golden french fries and milkshakes that inexplicably stay frozen in a sweltering car through the duration of a summer's day.

Recently, they've done away with the charade and cut right to the core of their message.

To Hell with your brain, this shit tastes GREAT!

They aren't wrong. 

If you can somehow shut your mind out of the decision and focus on the disturbingly delicious dish placed in front of your food hole, it is in fact a tasty treat. 

The actual fact that it's murdering you not withstanding, the flavor (i.e. FAT) simply melts in your mouth like a rare French delicacy. 

Those aforementioned golden fries—perhaps emblematic of the arches—disappear down your gullet like the lifeblood of civilization. 

The monstrous soda you receive with your "medium" combo washes away any misgivings you might have. The nectar of the GODS! It's a wonderful salve for your aching wretch of a body and any and all side-effects are an afterthought. 

Of course, we all know by now the horrifying consequences of voluntarily ingesting poison into our delicate systems. 

No, I have no problem with that. I've done it and I'll do it again. 

The trouble is with the insidious advertising aimed at the lowest common denominator of humanity. It's designed to make Joe six-pack shut down what little brain activity he has working in his favor so that he mindlessly shovels garbage into his beer-encrusted, cigarette-seeking mouth. 

Literally, this campaign commands you to ignore the one part of your body capable of making rational decisions and instead follow the sage advice of your stupid tongue that would gladly lick the underside of a tow-hitch if it enjoyed the post-winter salt content. 

McDonald's is attempting to murder you with slick advertising. You shouldn't be happy about that.

Sure, you might enjoy a disgusting hamburger slathered in pickly/mayonaise sauce on occasion but that doesn't mean it's a good idea.

Just realize that with this idiotic ad campaign the burger giant is quite literally admitting before our eyes that this product is a bad idea, but it tastes so gooooooooood.

Keep that in mind the next time you're hungry and too lazy or incapable to cook something that isn't actively trying to kill you.

The golden arches are keenly aware.

A Super Bowl Pick By The Good Doctor

Editor’s Note: We once again welcome a new writer to our increasingly impressive collection of literary titans. It’s not entirely clear what W.T. Salisbury is a doctor of, but as his business card states he claims to be a, “Medical expert, filthy drunk and purveyor of cheap jokes”. Little is known of the man beyond his origins somewhere in Maryland. Rest assured, we shall monitor his output as best we can, but I’m generally opposed to censorship so some strange things are liable to sneak through. Whatever’s right.

By Dr. W.T. Salisbury

Few things in our culture represent America quite like the excesses of the Super Bowl.

From the moment the match-up is set until the final whistle, the spectacle of the thing overwhelms even the most diehard of football freaks.

It’s one enormous orgy of advertisements, flashing lights and celebrities all front and center with the backdrop of a football game.

There are so many commercials that the damn game takes over 4 hours. Bear in mind, studies have shown that football games have only about 11 minutes of actual action, the rest is just oversized athletes preening for the cameras and girding themselves to once again smash their bodies into one another with the force of a serious car crash.

Front and center will be that fair-haired idiot Roger Goodell. He’ll likely be preaching his hollow sermon about “safety” while expressing his concern for the behemoths poised to cripple themselves for our utter enjoyment behind him.

"Hmmmm $10,500 seems a reasonable fine for someone wearing their socks improperly."

It’s true, we’re no better than the Roman’s and their bloody coliseum, but at least they had the good sense to admit their bloodlust instead of hiding behind a façade of caring about the fate of the gladiators.

But what about the game Doc? We need a prediction so we can take out a loan and go lay down some money.

Good heavens, the game! Right then, all you degenerate gamblers need to know who’ll win.

As you may know, I’m from Maryland, which means I’m naturally biased towards anything faintly smelling of crabmeat and old bay seasoning. That distinction may not apply to the Baltimore Ravens directly, but anything located that close to the Inner Harbor will no doubt pick up those scents in time.

Most of the talk surrounding the Ravens has been centered on terrifying veteran linebacker Ray Lewis, who will allegedly retire after the game.

People who dislike him will often point to his involvement in that murder investigation years ago, which is fine.

The truth is, whether he killed someone or lied is immaterial because he’s just a hired assassin like all the other brutes on Sundays so who cares?

Great for crabs, shrimp, chicken...one of these meats is not like the other ones!

These are dangerous people trained to be as violent as possible and revered for these traits by the masses. You can understand if they struggle to separate football from life on the street on occasion. Besides, it makes for juicy storylines and God knows we need as many as possible.

Lewis and his vicious defense have actually lost a step or two and pale slightly to the juggernaut stoppers on the 49ers. But make no mistake, they are still quite good, and San Francisco’s first year accidental starting quarterback Colin Kaepernick has plenty to fear.

The Raven’s quarterback Joe Flacco is decidedly mediocre, oscillating between stupendous and incompetent, but all he really has to do is hand the ball off and not throw to the gold helmets. 

It’s similar to what Kaepernick will be asked to do. Both will be treated by their coaches with kid gloves, but the defenses will do their best to turn them into human hamburger.

Right. So who will win you filthy idiot?!

I have to side with my bias in this case, but never EVER disregard the gut.

Both tell me that the Ravens will edge out the 49ers in a grimy, unfulfilling game next Sunday.

We’ll all be entertained like the jackals we are and there may even be some iconic plays during the game, but it will be a slog. 

Caw CAAAAW!!! Gaudy yet prophetic? 

I see Baltimore on top 26-22 for the record.

So enjoy the chicken wings and beer….oh, and the game!

Just don’t overdo it on the old bay seasoning.